Anniversary, no real plan

Mama and I get to celebrate forty years of marriage today. In some ways it does not seem like that many years have elapsed since we stood before our friend and pastor at a church in West Virginia and promised ourselves to each other. But seven children, fifteen grandchildren, and one greatgrandchild later it is easy to see how we have marked those years and how those years have left their marks on us. I was, at the time of our wedding, the second of my eight siblings to get married. Only so because my younger sister, who had been engaged for several years, decided to hurry their wedding up to predate mine and Mama’s. It still tickles me and Mama to remember that hurry on my sister’s part. Nonetheless, both couples are still together celebrating all the years that have slipped by us.

It hard to encapsulate the idea that a long-term love is not about loving everything about a person, but rather being able to accept those things you do nor necessarily love about a person, while focusing attention on those things you do really love about a person. None of us is perfect and forty days in a relationship reveal some of those imperfections starkly, much less forty years. Mama and I are together after forty years because each of us made a decision to love each other and God has blessed our ability to do so. We are together because that love is freely given to each other. It is not earned from each other by things we do for each other. It is not bought through sexual surrender or gifts given to pay for an intimate moment. We love each other because we each have chosen to do so.

I know what pleases her and I seek to do those things – simply to please her. Not to gain any advantage over her or to buy some affection from her. She knows what pleases me and does those things simply because she knows it pleases me. Conversely, we know what words, actions or expressions anger each other and we avoid those whenever possible. We apologize when we know we have crossed that line. I am wholly hers. She is wholly mine. We are wholly God’s. It is not a perfect relationship, but it is one God has blessed as we put each other first and center our focus on the Lord.

We do not have another forty years ahead of us. Perhaps ten or maybe even twenty, if the Lord allows, but what years we do have, we will be together through them. That is enough for each of us. A promise honored one day at a time. We have accumulated 14,610 of those days. Each one a precious gift. Most of those days have not been individually memorable although Mama has made each of those days fun in one way or another, but taken as a whole, they are certainly worth celebrating.

Mama is headed out for feed today. It is the only day this week she has available, so the chore is being squeezed between doctor’s appointments, dental appointments and physical therapy visits. To that end Grandpa and I spent some time talking over the past few days – mostly when Grandma was not around to dominate the conversation – and I got a good feel for his outlook and future plans – if I can call them plans.

He would like to have a place of their own but understands that neither he nor Grandma are capable of taking care of themselves on their own just yet. (Any food that is prepared for them comes from Mama’s efforts.) He is okay with the idea of putting an RV next to our house but is sternly against going into debt to do so. He can tolerate the current arrangement as long as Grandma and Mama can continue to work together to make that close quarter living work. He is deeply appreciative or our willingness to do whatever is needed to provide for him and Grandma in their current situation.

Psychologically, he is very discouraged by his current physical conditions. His persistent weakness, His constantly numb feet, and legs. Since he cannot feel his lower legs and feet, it is difficult to know if he has placed his foot properly on each step. He is pinning a lot of his future plans on an upcoming visit with a neurologist to determine the cause and potential remedy for his neuropathy. If that visit produces no promising outcomes, he will be very discouraged. He said so plainly. It would mean that there is no remedy for him. No chance of being able to walk with confidence. Of his continuing to be a fall risk.

That risk of falling is exacerbated by the big dogs we have in the house and their desire to constantly be underfoot. Additionally, the step we have down into the living room is an issue at times. I can do little about either. Both obstacles make the use of a walker impractical. They make the use of a wheelchair impossible. So, it is good that both Grandma and Grandpa are ambulatory at this time. When that ability to get around on their own is compromised, Mama will have to make some big adjustments.

For now, we are making things work but Grandpa is finding it difficult to keep trying.