Independence, Boundaries, Doing your best vs. giving the best

My wife insists on keeping around a very young child. We have always had one or more under foot. I have to admit it has almost always been a pleasure and she has left the mark of both her passion and compassion on a number of “little ones” who are now growing up without her. Some of these we have lost touch with, others we never will.




But as we have been out recently with the little one now most often with us, I have been more acutely aware of the independence needed by each and every one of those whom we have watched for any length of time. At less than two years of age, such independence has to be balanced against very strong and well-defined boundaries. How those boundaries are established and enforced makes a huge difference in the emotional atmosphere in which the child develops.



My wife is great at this, but if you asked her to explain it she would never be able to put it into words. It is not her understanding that makes children flock to her, it is her insight. She has the ability to “draw the line”; often much further out than I would, but it works and children love to do things with her.



Today at a local mall, she sent me and the little one to ride the train. I was not enthused, but acted as though I was. As we paid, I was told that I had to ride with her in the (very little) train as is sped around – NOT – in its twelve foot circle.



Of course, she chose the smallest of all the cars, the engine. It was made even more impossibly uncomfortable be the fact that it was semi-enclosed and made to seat two children. In case you have not figured out, I am not a child. I am not large, but I am not that small either. I believe none of my seven children could have fit much better than I did. I haven’t seen a picture turn up on face book yet, but I live in dread of that moment.



I am convinced it was a sadistic moment for the older lady conducting the ride to make me join in. Her evil delight must have been piqued by the fact that my little charge began crying as soon as the train started to move. The baby really thought we were leaving my wife behind (An unbearable thought for her.) and every turn of the circle made her believe it more – so she cried more.



But movement to her meant distance and distance meant separation from my wife and separation from my wife was more than she could stand, so the tears flowed freely until I walked her back into the store thirty feet away and she saw that she was still close to her security. I had exceeded the boundaries in her little mind and she did not like it.



We never were able to give much to our children in the way of possessions, gifts, things of value in the world’s eyes. We gave them what we could with travel, vacations, a safe home and a world view that takes the needs of others into account as either above or equal to our own. Rather than giving the best to them, we did our best for them. Rather than letting them live their life as they chose, we shared our lives with them.



For our little ones, as well as our children, boundaries have grown as their independence has grown. All in all, they are doing quite well. But I know that each one of them is jealous of me, because no matter how old I get, I get to stay with the woman they all love, my wife.