More discussion needed

Maggie and I talked for a while yesterday. She is in the last trimester – only about six weeks to go – and she is ready to have the baby. I cannot imagine the discomfort to the woman but I have shared the male side of the experience several times. As we were gathering for a meeting yesterday I asked one of the newer guys in the group if he had children. He has two; two years old and fourteen months.

Another guy who is new to the group has five girls ranging in age from several months to eleven years. I was relaying to them my discussion with Maggie in her first pregnancy and the engineer with the five girls described his wife as “the perfect pregnant lady.” I remember Mama that way also. She enjoyed being pregnant. It was the three months following delivery that was harrowing.

I asked Mama last night why women concentrate on describing intimate details of the delivery and do not spend any time getting young, first time, mothers ready for the difficult times that immediately follow. When hormones are really flaring up and the body is recovering from the pains and stresses of the birth. When there is little sleep as you and the new baby discover that part of the day is for waking and part for sleeping. When the post-partum blues kick in and the romantic notion of having this cooing wonderful bundle of joy is scattered because the baby cannot seem to rest and the new mommy cannot rest. When depression strangles the sleep deprived and stressed heart of the new mommy and she struggles to love her baby and herself. When nothing the new daddy can say is reassuring enough and nothing he does is comforting enough. When breast feeding fails and every type of formula tired is regurgitated with impressive velocity and more volume than what was eaten. When the new daddy figures out he really did not know what this was all about. When Grandma has gone back home and all the burden and blessing of care is on the two new parents.

I am not trying to say I did not enjoy parts of those times of adjustment, I am saying they get left out of the narrative for new parents. The fortunate part of the initial phase of getting a child absorbed into your life is that it is generally accomplished in a few months as mother and baby learn how to communicate. The baby learns the mother’s touch and voice. The mother learns the baby’s voice and can discern between discomfort – a wet or dirty diaper – anger and hunger. She understands what comforts and what irritates her child and concentrates all her efforts on the comforting items.

That was the part I loved the most of our infant children; when I could see the bond forming and strengthening. At that stage my interaction was limited to helping where I could so I had plenty of time to watch. I learned to fall in line and do things her way even if I did not understand why it needed to be done her way; diapering, making bottles just so, sterilizing nipples and bottles just so, etc. When she needed rest (which was quite often initially) I took over caring for the baby – sometimes with a less thankful heart than I should have had.

I would often come home from work and spend the next several hours taking over while Mama went out for a walk or to the store; anywhere just to get out for a little while. Those were wonderful and difficult times and I would not trade those memories for anything. They were times when Mama and I learned to love each other more deeply than we had before and rely on each other more than we had before; to learn that we needed each other more than we realized before. Through patience, trial and error and with lots of love, the bond of family grows around the new arrival. It is a necessary part of life – especially with the arrival of a new life into the group.

I just wish that was part of the discussion for new parents.